• Jamie

Happy Holidays

Updated: a day ago

I got my period today.


Which is not something I ever thought I would write on the inter-web, but here we are.


When you get your period back, that is your body’s sign that it is ready to support another baby.


I could hear the doctor’s voice in my head, as if my brain repeated it just enough times, my mind would accept it as fact.


Just 2 weeks ago, we discussed how it would take a while for my body to retreat to its prenatal self.


That what my body went through was a lot, and that it may take time for it to make sense of the month from Hell.


But here we are, exactly one month later.


Like friggen clockwork.


For 22.5 weeks, my body belonged to Raya.


It was hers more than it was mine; its only priority being to protect her.


And yet here my body was, continuing without her.


No taking it’s time; no showing signs of wavering from normalcy or clinging to the ways it became so used to during pregnancy.


Just getting right back to business, as if the past six months were all in my head.


This week marks the official beginning of the holiday season.


And I have to make it through Thanksgiving without a baby to blame for the baby weight, and without my mom by my side, and with a body that is moving on faster than my mind.


And I don’t know how to make it all stop, or at least slow down enough for every part of me to gather on the same page, so we can navigate these next few weeks together, rather than in a million different pieces, hoping I look whole from the outside.


And it doesn’t seem to matter how many jokes I make; how many Starbucks I treat myself to or how many walks I go on – the days aren’t getting easier the way they promised to.


My body is moving on, but my mind is stuck in October.



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